


Complex Guilt

by WolfenM



Series: The Life After [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Gay Poe Dameron, Gen or Pre-Slash, Guilt, Jedi Stormpilot, M/M, Minor Poe Dameron/Finn, POV Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe apalogia, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pre-Relationship, Stormpilot, Survivor Guilt, film tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22554364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfenM/pseuds/WolfenM
Summary: Poe, guilty over the losses up to and including the Battle of Crait, gets a talk from Leia. What's left of the Resistance mourns Luke Skywalker.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Leia Organa, Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn/Rey
Series: The Life After [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622794
Kudos: 29





	Complex Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Poe Dameron, Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker, Rey, Finn, BB-8, Connix, Han Solo, Ben Solo / Kylo Ren, Snoke, Rose Tico, Paige Tico, The First order, Crait, and the _Millennium Falcon_ all ©/tm Disney / Lucasfilm. This work is not official nor sanctioned.
> 
> This series will eventually be Jedi Stormpilot, as well as ReyBen. The second story, which will establish Stormpilot, will not be public, as it will contain adult content; you will have to be an A03 member to read it. Haven't decided yet on the rating for the third story, or whether or not that will be public. ;)

**The _Millennium Falcon_ , after the Battle of Crait.**

Under normal circumstances, Poe might have tried to flirt with Rey -- distantly, he was even aware of her beauty, both without and within -- but right now, standing in a room filled of the last of the Resistance, his euphoria at their being rescued suddenly evaporated, the full weight of their situation hitting him like the rocks Rey had lifted out of the way of their escape; he could barely look her in the eye now. These people around him -- his friends, people under his command -- had nearly died, the Resistance nearly lost, through _multiple_ recent choices he'd made. Rey had helped _save_ their asses; Poe didn't feel worthy to breathe the same air as her (or, really, the same air anyone else in the room). He would have left in shame, but after getting so many people killed, he didn't feel he had a _right_ to seek the solace of isolation. He deserved anything they might throw at him -- including execution for treason ....

Finn, sidling up next to him, slipped his hand into Poe's, and gave Poe's fingers a reassuring squeeze. Poe almost drew his hand away in shame, but just couldn't do it, couldn't withdraw from that comfort, however much he didn't think he was entitled to it. Besides, maybe Finn needed the contact as much as Poe did.

"Rose?" Poe whispered as they waited for Leia to speak.

Finn shrugged helplessly, and a rock settled in Poe's stomach. Paige's death had been Poe's fault; would the other Tico sister die now too?

As Leia led the discussion on what to do next, Poe stayed quiet unless spoken to, not trusting himself to make any decisions. After they had a rough plan, the general dropped a bombshell: Luke Skywalker was dead.

Luke, friend to Poe's parents, and who had even bounced a toddler Poe on his knee. Luke, who had assured Poe that his mother was still with him after she'd died.

Luke, the brother whom Leia hadn't seen in years, and then saw for only a too-short moment before his last stand.

There was a strange ringing in Poe's ears as he stumbled down a corridor, trying to find fresh air when he couldn't just walk out of the ship for it. He had to settle for a vent blowing out recycled oxygen; it didn't feel like enough. His mind was bombarded with images of ships exploding, his friends dying before his eyes, the hanger becoming an inferno ....

Suddenly there was a gentle hand on his shoulder -- Leia. Somehow, the touch made it easier to breath in one way, but harder in another, a sob catching in his throat as his tears refused to be contained any longer. Ashamed that he would dare to cry in front of her, after her loss and all he'd done, Poe kept his face turned away as he whispered, "I'm so sorry ...."

"For what?"

He _did_ turn to her now, confused at how level her voice was. "Your brother -- he's _gone_ , and it's _all my fault!_ ALL our losses are _my fault!_ "

She offered a sad smile and a shake of her head, taking his arm. "Come with me." And she led him to what were most certainly Han's old quarters. Sitting on the cot there, she patted the empty space beside her. He reluctantly obeyed, accepting her hand when she offered it. "I mourned my brother a long time ago, when I finally accepted that he was never coming back," she revealed. "And yet ... he never _really_ left me -- there was always a part of me that could feel him. It's like Luke himself said to me on Crait: no one is every _really_ gone. And I _know_ I will see him again -- like I've seen my father, and how I met Obi-wan Kenobi and Yoda: as Force ghosts."

That was a small comfort, but ... "I'm thinking that seeing him as a Force ghost isn't really the same," Poe pointed out.

"I suppose not," she agreed, finally allowing a hint of her sadness through. "But in any case, Luke would tell you to neither worry about nor take credit for his death. _We're_ alive -- that's what he wanted, the choice he made, and to him, his mortal body was more than worth the price." She gave Poe a shrewd look then. "So. Why _do_ you blame yourself for our losses?"

That threw him -- didn't _she_? "Because we wouldn't have had to seek refuse here on Crait in the _first_ place if I had listened to you and Holdo, and hadn't assumed I knew better than either of you!"

"Ah, well ... _I'm_ partially to blame there, aren't I? I mean, when I recruited you, I _told_ you we needed someone who was passionate and would take the risks that our leaders were reluctant to. When I demoted you, I was angry at myself too -- after all, you'd done exactly what I'd brought you on to do. As your general, _I'm_ as responsible for your actions as _you_ are. I'm sorry that I slapped you, by the way," she added with a rueful smile.

Guilt hurt more now than her hand ever could have. He didn't want _her_ feeling guilty because of _his_ choices!

"It wasn't as if you had no reason to trust your gut," she continued. "The choices you made could just have easily have turned out to be the _right_ ones, if small factors had gone differently than they actually had."

"General, that's kind of you, but ... it's not like it was just one battle! A-and I technically committed _treason_ against Holdo!"

Leia nodded thoughtfully. "Because you didn't believe in her -- after she made it clear _she_ didn't believe in _you_ , and you'd had years of experience with the brass making stupid decisions, in the New Republican Navy. That's _why_ you'd joined the Resistance after I asked, isn't it? Because you didn't trust the New Republic to act against the First Order?"

Poe shook his head in disgust at himself. "I had no reason to think badly of _Holdo_ , though -- her reputation preceded her, and _I'd_ just proven myself unreliable. My pride was hurt, and I acted on that."

She squeezed his hand. "And knowing Holdo as I do, and based on what I've gleaned about the situation from Connix, it sounds like Holdo took a little too much delight in dressing down a flyboy. I suspect the reason she kept you in the dark about her plan was to punish you, but that really wasn't the time for such sentiment. There wasn't any reason to _not_ to fill you in, and it would have been wiser to get you on her side. She ignored all the good in your service record in favour of the most recent mistake. So see? _None_ of us are perfect. But the important thing is that you now recognise and accept responsibility for the part _you_ played -- it shows me that you're self-aware, and can learn from your mistakes. And really, I don't think you were _just_ acting out of hurt pride -- you legitimately were concerned that Holdo didn't seem to know what she was doing, and Finn and Rose had proposed a plan that had seemed like it would work, and you trusted Maz's intel -- for good reason. And let's not forget that we wouldn't be sitting here now if you hadn't thought to follow that vulptex out of the base on Crait, leading us to safety!" she added.

He shook his head again. "I lead us to a _dead end_ \-- we _wouldn't_ have made it out alive, if not for _Rey_."

Leia nodded. "Right. You can't do _everything_ yourself. That's something you need to work on, okay? Just remember that nobody _means_ to makes bad decisions. When Luke went into Ben's room, intending to kill him--" Poe boggled at that "--he had agonised over that decision, but couldn't see another way ... until he was looking down at his terrified nephew, and realised that killing Ben was the path to the Dark side. Still, it was too late -- Ben acted out of understandable terror, destroying the temple, and killing his fellow students in the process. Luke blamed himself for Ben's own descent into the Dark side -- so Luke would likely tell you that _his_ blame outweighs _yours_. And he let his guilt weigh him down so much, he wasn't there for the Resistance for all those years after.

"And for my part, and Han's," she went on, "we _could_ have spent more time with Ben than we _did_. Then maybe we would have _seen_ him struggling, caught the signs of Snoke's influence earlier. But I thought I needed to put the needs of the galaxy first, reasoning that the government I was trying to build would ultimately benefit Ben. You know how _that_ turned out -- instead of me helping the galaxy, and thus my son, Ben has _become_ the bane of the galaxy, in part because he resented how his father and I never had time for him. So that's _my_ big contribution to the situation we're in now -- I failed my son, and thus helped shape Vader's successor." It was her turn to avert her eyes, and Poe's turn to squeeze her hand.

She granted him as grateful of a smile as she could manage, the weight of the universe in the corners of her mouth. "We still need you, Poe -- learn from your mistakes as best you can, but don't dwell on them so much that you _drown_ in them."

He wanted to promise her that he would, but ... "I think, once people have a chance to think about all I've done, they might toss me out the airlock."

She answered with a weary smirk. "We don't have enough people _left_ to go tossing out anyone who makes a bad decision. And I'm pretty sure you're not going to repeat the _same_ mistakes, at least; I _can't_ be so sure someone _else_ won't make them."

Poe wished he was as confident as _she_ was that he wouldn't retread the same wrong path he'd ventured down already. "Thank you for believing me. And fault or not, I'm sorry about Luke. Maybe someday I can take you to the uneti tree he left with my family?" He prayed it still stood.

Her smile was watery, her voice a wet rasp. "I'd like that." She closed her eyes and bowed her head then, finally giving in to grief.

Putting his arms around her, he joined her, his shoulder and her hair damp before long with tears shed for _all_ they had lost -- Luke and so much more.

The faint but familiar beeping of BB-8 stirred Poe;it seemed the little droid was coming down the corridor towards Han's room. "Come in," Poe invited. Sure enough, when the door slid open, the welcome white-and-orange dome peaked in through the doorway.

"Hey, buddy," Poe beckoned BB-8 into the room, thanking the Force again that the best little astromech in the galaxy had found his way back to Poe safely.

Poe jumped a little when Rey followed BB-8 into the room, but it was clear that Leia had known the girl was coming.

"Oh! Uh, I didn't mean to intrude," Rey apologised, her eyes flicking to Poe in wary confusion. "I'll just find you later, Leia ...."

Leia shook her head. "It's fine; please come in. Poe and I were just sharing mutual grief over Luke and our lost forces."

Rey sat gingerly on a chair across from the bed. "You knew Master Luke?" she asked Poe.

"He was ... something of an uncle to me," Poe explained, his voice rough. "He and my parents retrieved fragments the Great Tree of the Jedi Temple from the Imperials -- he gave them one to plant at our homestead, and would come to check on it now and then, mostly when I was still a kid."

Rey smiled sadly. "Then I'm sorry for your loss as well."

He nodded. "Do ... do you know why he stayed away?" The answer was likely going to hurt, but he owed Luke that pain -- they all did.

Rey opened her mouth to speak, but Leia, shaking her head, reached out, staying her.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but ... well, I want to hear it from Luke, when he's ready to tell me. For now, though, it's ... a kind of _comfort_ to know there are still things for me to learn about my brother. That there's more to his story for me to experience. Someday, I will. But right now ... it's too much. First Han, now Luke and so many of our friends ...."

Rey nodded, eyes glittering.

"You should rest," Poe told Leia, kissing her brow, then standing. "We _all_ should."

Leia nodded, already laying back, lifting her feet onto the cot. Poe grabbed a blanket and pulled it over her, tucking her in.

"Wait, Rey, didn't you want to ask me something?" Leia asked sleepily as Rey opened the door.

Rey shook her head. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. Call if you need me."

"Thank you," Leia murmured, closing her eyes.

BB-8 and Poe followed Rey out the door. "Have you seen Finn?" Poe asked.

"Last I saw, he was looking after his friend Rose," Rey replied.

"Thanks -- I should see how their doing." Poe turned to head that way.

"I'll come with you," Rey offered.

Poe smiled as much as he could muster.

They reached Finn soon after; their friend was sitting quietly, holding an unconscious Rose's hand.

"Any news?" Poe asked quietly as Rey took up Finn's other hand.

"The medic says she'll be fine -- she just needs to rest."

Poe's knees nearly gave out with the wave of relief. "Finally, some good news!"

"Are _you_ all right?" Rey asked Finn.

Finn shook his head. "Rose saved my life, but she nearly lost hers in the process. And we _failed_ \-- all these people dead because of us. Because of _me_."

Sighing, Poe sat beside Finn and slipped a comforting hand behind Finn's head, resting his brow against Finn's. " _I_ signed off on the mission -- if anyone's to blame, it's me. Besides, the mission only failed because you were betrayed -- it was a sound plan. We can't always know when a cog in the machine is faulty."

"He's right, Finn," Rey agreed. "Even with Force-visions of the future, I can't be certain of the context of what I see -- none of us can know for _sure_ how our actions will play out. All we can do is keep going. When your choices are helping the oppressor or the oppressed, doing nothing is the same as joining the oppressor. No mistake is worse than doing nothing."

"Even if it gets people killed?" Finn countered.

"The First Order _will_ kill everyone in the Resistance if they win," Rey pointed out. "We truly have _nothing_ left to lose."

Poe nodded and clapped Rey's shoulder. "Damn straight. Listen to the wise Jedi here," he told Finn, gratified when his friend managed a small smile.

"Oh, I'm not a Jedi," Rey protested, tucking a stray strand of hair behind a blushing red ear. "I was barely Luke's apprentice -- I have a lot more to learn!"

"Lady, I saw you move those rocks," Poe pointed out. "And if you're having Force-visions too? Yeah, as far as I'm considered, you may not be official, but you're as-good-as. If you need to hone your skills, fine, hone 'em -- we _all_ need to up our game, whatever that game is."

"I ... I did take his books," Rey admitted. "Ancient Jedi texts. He was going to _burn_ them ...." She seemed to be looking a billion miles away -- maybe to Ach-to?

"We can talk about Luke, if you want," Poe offered. "Or not, if you don't want to," he added hurriedly.

"I _do_ ," Rey replied. "Since you knew him, maybe you can offer some insights into things he said and did ...."

And so she launched into the story of her how she's met and trained under the Jedi master. There was some humour in her anecdotes, but it also sounded like Luke had grown deeply bitter in his years alone, and that notion broke Poe's heart even more -- just when he'd thought there was nothing left of his heart but powder. He didn't really have much insight to give, but he shared his own stories, as well as what he knew of the man through Leia and Han's own tales.

"The First Order told us about Luke Skywalker," Finn revealed, sharing the propaganda he'd been taught about a man who had too much dangerous power, using it unchecked. A man who, terrifyingly, had moved an entire planet once!

Poe bit his lip in thought. "We should write a song," he decided.

"A song?" Finn asked, scrunching his nose cutely; for a moment, Poe forgot his own misery.

Then something a bit alarming occurred to Poe -- how much did Finn _not know about_ , having been raised a stormtrooper? "Finn, don't you know what songs _are_?"

Finn shook his head.

Rey stared at Finn in horror.

Poe stifled his outrage, not wanting Finn to feel bad. "Well, my friend, you're about to find out!" Poe grinned instead. Then, mindful of those asleep around them, he quietly began to sing a lullaby his mother used to sing that had been written about the Battle of Endor.

"That's pretty," Finn smiled softly. "And ... familiar, somehow."

Poe reckoned that Finn's mother had probably sung it to Finn when he was a baby, but decided against suggesting the possibility for now; the man was already sad enough. Instead, Poe explained his idea. "Folk songs are the best way to spread a story. The lyrics and tune make the story easier to remember, and capture people's attention better than a spoken tale, making it easier to spread in turn. So I reckon we should write one about Luke saving our asses on Crait -- people eat stories about underdogs and heroes right up!"

Rey and Finn eagerly agreed, and the three immediately started brainstorming.

And so "The Legend of Luke Skywalker" was born, and by the end of the next day, everyone who was conscious at some point in that time knew it by heart, ready to sing it in every corner of the galaxy.

~FINIS~


End file.
